Is it really true that friendship and business don’t mix? That idea is not just counterintuitive to our way of thinking; it is like a flashing caution light. If you’ve been reading our blogs or our book, you know that Kathryn and I feel that having a friendship with someone should enhance a relationship, not hinder it, regardless whether business is a factor or not. And certainly any relationship can fail when the trust and empathy required by love breaks down. But that’s not how most people see business relationships, which is more like international diplomacy than friendship: “don’t trust, be friendly.” So let’s examine what can happen when business is introduced into the mix. That is, is it business or friendship that causes a relationship to go awry?

In The Relationship Economy: Technology and the Human Network, blogger Jay Deragon shines a light on how suddenly “businesses are playing the social game. Gathering friends, followers and ‘likes.’” His November 1, 2011, blog post, “Friendship and Business Don’t Mix,” an examination of the incursion by business into social media, makes some good points for keeping them separate. He says, “Friendship is better for business than business is for friendship. Valued relationships will often explode or dissolve when they interfere with business.”

But don’t customers, colleagues, and clients often become friends with each other? In a culture built around the work ethic, where else are you going to meet people? Kathryn and I are a case in point. We met in a professional capacity and liked each other so much, we became friends. But we also have values in common that help us to trust each other, as well as a personal commitment to empathy. What if either of us had a different business model than we do? What if we put our businesses above our friendship? And that’s where the problem starts: the differences between the modern business model and the tried-and-true friendship model. In other words, it’s clear how the business friendship relationship is on shaky ground as soon as you consider what the end goal of a business arrangement is vs. that of a friendship, for each party concerned.

The object of business is to make money. There might be working objectives that include providing a service or selling a product that is close to our hearts, but without the profit motive, it’s not a business. On the other hand, the object of genuine friendship is the relationship itself, to enjoy or enhance the close bond of caring and loving one another that occurs each time the two parties meet.
Jay Deragon again: “In life, the friendship is important in and of itself. But in business, the relationship takes a back seat to the business. So experienced business leaders are not unduly ruffled by greedy, grabby, pushy, evasive, high-handed, disingenuous and/or manipulative opponents. Hey, it’s just business right? Actually it is politics and business as usual. In reality, however, we would never expect true friends to treat us this way. Should they dare, then business becomes all too personal and the friendship is over.”

Let’s talk about that. Why would the friendship be over? For the sake of argument you might ask, if we are always touting the importance of unconditional love, why can’t a friendship survive any treatment? Well, maybe because in friendship there must be mutual respect, otherwise you have to love from a distance; that is, not be in business together. Respect is a form of implicit as well as explicit love for another. It might express itself as enjoying a ballgame together, sharing a meal with lively conversation, taking a walk in contented silence, collaborating on a project, even having a spirited political debate, among a myriad of other variations, including being in business together. But there are caring indices ever-present if genuine love toward one another is what is being expressed. These include earned trust, positive regard, empathy, and compassion. It should also go without saying, but let’s go ahead and say it: both parties would be genuinely interested in each other’s “reality” or conditions. This interest might span the range from effortless curiosity to the deepest concern, but it is expressed through listening. All these indices can be said to fall under the umbrella of empathy.

Empathy is where you see a little of yourself in the other person, not as projection but as connection. It is one of the main and absolutely essential ingredients necessary to allow one’s caring and loving nature to come forth so that the person you know well and regard with affection and trust—your friend—will feel energized and nourished in the relationship. This kind of emotional nourishment can serve as a catalyst for the recipient to experience a sense of empowerment and wellbeing. There is nothing like being seen and loved for who you are, no matter how you are. When you find yourself in a weakened condition, as anyone will from time to time, a connection like this from a friend can put you back in synch with your best self in a way that wasn’t possible before.
The ideal friendship is one in which both parties can maintain their integrity throughout contact with one another. This happens when they’re treating each other with honesty, respect, love, and caring. When you empathize with your friend, you might not even necessarily agree with how they see the world, but you can feel how they arrived there. Conversely, you maintain your own integrity through that empathy, because your ability to have compassion for your friend doesn’t mean you have to be just like them, only that you can be present as a loving friend. Like empathy, compassion may serve as an emotional energizer, appealing as it does to a person’s worth and sense of wellbeing.

Another way of looking at integrity in a relationship is to simply say that if you’re showing integrity, you are practicing the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

So, what about business? Can’t empathy, compassion, and integrity drive business relationships? Certainly, Kathryn and I feel that if businesses competing for the almighty dollar would simply treat every stakeholder—other businesses, employees, shareholders, and customers alike—with respect and the same principles that are employed in friendships, then businesses would actually thrive in a way not true in our world where the model is more like war than friendship: kill or be killed. Unconditional love in a relationship like that is a recipe for annihilation.

Deragon is not alone in his observation when he notes how cheap friendship has become in the world of business. The concept of friend is deteriorating to someone who “likes” your page of cat videos … or your product page. But it bears repeating: “Valued relationships will often explode or dissolve when they interfere with business.” Why should that happen? Because businesses—in the model that thrives in today’s marketplace—are not just welcome but encouraged, maybe even required, to behave in ways not in keeping with accepted standards of what is right or proper behavior in friendship. When they put smaller or more vulnerable businesses out of business; when they eliminate jobs that are keeping a city afloat for purposes of efficiency; when they “accidentally” poison water or air or land through economical practices, predictable mishaps, or downsizing departures; when they sell things that contribute to poor health or negligent stewardship of families, communities, or other forms of life, usually they have done nothing illegal, uncomely, or untoward in the business world. All they have done is acted to maximize the company’s revenue. But they have done these things at the expense of any possible friendship.

In Kathryn’s and my mind, there is an arbitrary and artificial distinction made that helps unethical business practices to continue to exist. Just as in the world of politics, where the same rationale exists to promote personal financial gain at the taxpayers’ expense, this belief that business and friendship don’t mix promotes an acceptance that business need not act in good faith or with integrity, empathy, or compassion—something no one would accept in a friend. Instead, the almighty dollar is the excuse that is used to promote not only unethical practices in the business world, but also in our political world today. We don’t think that any distinction should be made. Anyone participating in our world, whether socially or commercially, should respect and treat those they interact with, whether people, planet, or other living things, as you would in a friendship. Only then, will there be enough trust to sustain such a thing as a free world.

In our next blog, Kathryn and I are going to explore whether in this world of today’s politics we are practicing democracy or capitalism. Stay tuned, and please read our book, available in trade paperback as well as, for your convenience, e-book. Also available at Amazon.com or wherever books are sold.